All my life I have known that there is something else possible. I grew up in the family where there was a lot of emotional abuse, hard work, judgments and surviving. Estonia was still under Soviet Union, the time where there was constant fear over the future, defending over cultural believes and fighting for your life. Regardless of what was happening around me I always knew that this cannot be the only possibility for creating life and being alive. Thank God, for the ache of dissatisfaction that I had like pain in my ass which made me move on and choose something different. From the best of awareness that I had at that time. Often, I dared to jump in the water that was unfamiliar to me. For being so different, I received huge amounts of judgments from my family and so, I silently fought against it and made myself wrong for it for a long time. The muscle of “Always be strong, no matter what” grew big.
At some point in my life I took over someone’s significant point of view that I am not enough feminine. That I was too fit, way big bones, too much power, way too much capacity of being a leader and didn’t like sex. I knew that one day everything is going to be OK and all will turn out great. So then I started fixing myself to be more feminine, it took about 10 years. Again, I did great job with all the potency and power that I have. I imagined myself as stereotypical women in the relationship. It took me thousands books, therapy’s and various classes and so on. OMG you can imagine what a great power to do it with a smile on my face and at the same time suffering myself to death for not choosing who I really be.
Until the moment, when I read the first chapter of BEING YOU book and cried of gratitude…. Thought that I am home now, nothing else is required, just this book….then at 2012 I met Dain, in Malmö. After Dain’s ESC I was sobbing on the floor and Dain said: „There is nothing wrong with you darling, never been and never will be. “ That right there, hit me in to the center of my BIG BANG.
First time someone was in total allowance of me whoever I choose to be. It took Just that sentence for me to relax in to my breathing and be. Just that one moment, being there for me and saying that, changed my whole life. There is actually nothing wrong with me, I am just so different, and everyone else is so different. There truly isn’t anyone alike.
Looking now back, I am mesmerized by all the power and potency that I had to create all that. OMFG!! And how much awareness there was and is? And the being, who I truly be have never given up to create a different world? I am soooo grateful for me for being that. And if I know that I can be me and the change is possible, everyone can. And we can all be that to each other. Like Dain at time was for me. With total allowance, always caring and never giving up for being there for me and us.
Gary has been saying: “Your wrongness is your strongness” and yes, I have made myself wrong about my strongness and now that is my biggest strongness ever. With total trust, allowance and vulnerability with everything and everybody.
And me, just being me without any significance. I see and experience how much and fast that changes the world around me. Everywhere I facilitate, go, talk, be, always creates something. And for me it took just that one sentence from Dain.
I know that by being me, who I truly be for me and by being that space for others, can change the world. And it is really so easy, easy like smiling.
So grateful for you Dain.
Thank you for always having my back. Kaidi